1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage"
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go"
4. Learn Morse Code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip...."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub"
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies
11. Stomp on little ketchup packets
12. Sniffle incessantly
13. leave your turn signal on for fifty miles
14. Name your dog "Dog"
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think"
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training"
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace"
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot"
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol
21. Practice making fax and modem noises
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person"
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy"
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears
30. Disassemble you pen and accidentally flip the ink cartridge across the room
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way"
34. Drum on every available surface
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page
41. Set alarms for random times
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise
45. Honk and wave to strangers
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's (fluorescent) Orange
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies
49. Wear your pants backward
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
53. only type in lower case
54. Don't use any punctuation
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question
59. Write "X- Buried Treasure" in random spots on all of someone's road maps
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake
63. Wander around a restaurant asking other diners for their parsley
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador"
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells" until physically restrained
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One"
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done announce "no, wait, I messed it up" and repeat
73. Drive half a block
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination
75. Ask people what gender they are
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes"
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," "The Archies, " "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of the day
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September
83. Change your name to "John Aaaasmith" for the great glory of being first
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed
86. Wear a LOT of cologne
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing"
88. Sing along at the opera
89. Mow your lawn with scissors
90. At a golf tournement, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for an "imaginary friend"
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles"
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture"
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times
96. Never make eye contact
97. Never break eye contact
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties


Stolen wholesale from http://ripfiles.e-workers.de a cracking site, even though I couldn't understand most of it cos it's written in German!!

[ Home ] [ Poetry ] [ Reptiles ] [ Funny ] [ Links ] [ Guestbook ] [ E-Mail ]